“What kind of hippy stuff is that?,” was my first reaction to learning about Orgasmic Meditation, about seven years ago, two years before I OMed for the first time and began to heal my relationship with men.
At the time I was living in New York, pursuing a career that was fulfilling and by all accounts successful. I felt very plugged into my community, fully engaged with my personal development work, and generally satisfied with my relationships.
Except with men. My relationships with men left a lot to be desired, and were generally marked by distrust, annoyance and criticism. I wasn’t having sex, I was barely dating, and the few dates I did have left me with the same conclusion: men suck.
Then a friend showed me a video about OM. I couldn’t understand why anyone would do that. I felt so uncomfortable with my own sexuality that the very idea of OM disturbed me. I couldn’t handle it at all, so I wrote it off.
It wasn’t until I left New York and moved to LA that I revisited the idea of OM. I connected with someone in a personal development program, and I traveled to Arizona to stay with him for four days. I had all this hope and excitement about him: he worked in my field, he was open to growth, and we communicated really well. I felt safe with him, so I took a risk. I put myself at the edge of my comfort zone and leaned into my desire.
We had sex on the first night, then he didn’t touch me for three days.
This devastated me. I felt unloved, unsexy, and unwanted. Why didn’t he want me? Was I bad at sex? Was I gross? I already had serious trust issues with men, so after that rejection, my relationship with myself, with my sexuality, it just plummeted. All of these fears and insecurities crippled me, and for the first time, I felt desperate enough to try OM.
I was trained in OM in October of that year, but I didn’t actually OM until December, while visiting New York. I still felt scared, uncomfortable and resistant, but my OM-practicing friends were very supportive and encouraging.
Then it happened. I OMed for the first time in New York, and it was lovely. I felt perfectly safe, and I had this incredible experience.From that point on I was a yes, and I started to practice every few weeks, and then more frequently.
OM helped me to trust men, to connect with them and to work through my fear and resistance. I learned to listen to my body, to listen to my desires. My fears were still there, but I learned to focus on the desire, to honor the desire over the fear. OM gave me a safe, contained environment to receive and connect with my own body and my partner with attention and without agendas, ulterior motives, or expectations.
This feeling of safety let me focus more on the sensations in my body. I expanded my perception of sensation and energy in my body, learning to hold them and be with them without freaking out. The fifteen-minute structure of OM was especially helpful for this. The repetitive stroking would generate energy and feelings that might be overwhelming in a sexual encounter, that I might want to change or run away from. But because this wasn’t sex, and it was only 15 minutes, I could simply be with this energy; witness it and breathe through it.
Now I love and respect men, and as I discover my own potential through OM, I find the men I’m with are amazed by it, nourished by it. I used to view men as ego-heads, completely selfish and uncaring. Now I see that most men really love women and want us to be happy. Even when that love is not overt, or it’s overshadowed by other things, I can sense in them a true desire to connect with the feminine.
Of course, this doesn’t mean my relationships are perfect, or that I have completely overcome all of my fears and insecurities. But now I feel safe in relationships expressing feelings or desires that may be unwelcome or uncomfortable. In my last relationship, we had a very high standard of honesty, and he felt comfortable sharing thoughts and desires that he couldn’t share with anyone else. And I was able to be approving of those desires, and to live with the emotions they generated in me.
Feelings that would have caused me to run away before, I now have the space to simply contain, and witness.
OM has taught me to live with and witness sensations that I might otherwise run from, and ultimately to use them for growth and insight in my life and in my relationships. It was a skill that I desperately needed to develop, and now that I have, I love men more profoundly and intimately than I ever have.